How to Dodge Love: An Autobiography

amanda schlegel

I am well-known to my friends as “the Love Skeptic”. I would never denounce this title because it is entirely true. Most of my adolescence has been spent insisting that I could never believe in love and that it does not exist. Lemony Snicket is the only one with a fair shot at convincing me otherwise. He understands that love is simply surviving someone for the rest of your life. Should you ever run into me on the street and ask me to detail my opinions, there is a 50% chance that we will engage in a heated discussion resulting in my victory and your loss of hope; there is a 50% chance that I will flee and rearrange my walking route to avoid the spot knowing you might be there again. For these reasons, I will take the cowardly maneuver of addressing the topic in pen. It is my burden, and mine alone, to inform the few Sewanee students who read this of the dangers of love and romance:

1. When one feels butterflies, one must digest them

Your stomachs are full of acid for a reason; it is not intended to be a dwelling place for delicate creatures. Should one feel butterflies arising in the depths of one’s being, I suggest finding some Pepto-bismol or something to the same effect. You are not in love; you are merely experiencing the frequent sensation of indigestion at a particularly inconvenient and emotionally vulnerable time. 

2. Candlelight is your enemy. 

It is a persistent motif across many romantic novels, films, settings, and dates. “Bedroom eyes” are a real thing, but they do not occur because you are looking at the object of your affection. Instead, they occur because it is dark and the room is lit only by candlelight. If the person you are supposedly developing feelings toward is so hideous that one must view them only in a dimly lit setting, I suggest rewatching Beauty and the Beast. This might seem a strange suggestion since it is about looking beyond external appearances. This much is true: we should absolutely not judge people based on their looks alone, but we must also remember that Beauty and the Beast is fantasy, a word which here means “not applicable to the real world—fictional, impractical, unrealistic, only existing in the mind”. They had to make a film about this because there are not enough real-life examples of people falling in love blind. If love truly is blind, how is Cupid to know who he is pointing his arrow at? This seems a dire issue to me and I’d like to personally issue a complaint to the gods. In short, stay away from candlelight and other dimly lit settings. 

3. Constantly worry about who could love you

The natural pheromones or “vibes” released by this simple act are like heavy-duty Cupid-repellent. It’s worked on me for years. Desperation is not a particularly appealing scent, so by wearing it almost constantly in place of the oxytocin that other people emit like perfume because they are not affection-deprived—and thus do not have time for anything else in their lives—you can instantly repel anyone who initially thought they would like you until they got to know your personality. Not to mention, all of the worry will keep your mind busy and your pores clogged. Eventually, you will be too busy and your face will be so covered in acne that the pure self-consciousness will deter you enough from ever again disembarking from your hermit hole. When one worries as much as they ought to about the growing epidemic that is 21st century dating life, the only relationship they will be forming is a professional relationship with their therapist. 

4. Never, ever dance

Whatever dance it may be, there is a reason that animals will perform dances. There is a reason that every Jane Austen novel features a ball of some sort. One does not have to do a full pole-dance to turn heads. Skipping, spinning, and general leaping are far too adorable to be overlooked by potential suitors. Stop binging Dancing with the Stars, unfollow TikTok dancers, and under no circumstances should you attend a function at which ballroom dancing is a requirement—that’s right, go apologize to your high-class cousin because you will not be attending his wedding. If you do not believe me, go watch Barbie and the Twelve Dancing Princesses. Dancing works wonders and we need that to stop if we are to remain alone forever.

5. Establish Dominance

This tip comes from third-grade me. When you do not like someone, make your feelings known. This might take many forms, but elementary me would audibly growl at people. If this does not frighten them off, they are about to growl back louder. Be very afraid. If they succeed, they have established dominance. (See “How to Train Your Dragon 2” Alpha challenge scene) Do not speak; do not make eye contact; slowly back away and be done with this ordeal. Usually, though, they will back away almost immediately and—best case scenario—will tell their friends to stay away from you too. In one swift action, you have alerted an entire friend group of your desire to remain single. If love is your enemy, then establishing dominance is like the “vicious mockery” every bard uses to vanquish their foes. If you are at all uncomfortable with this strategy—or if the HR department at your job has approached you and strongly suggested that you cease growling at people (cowards)— then you are welcome to try any number of additional tactics to evoke fear. One of my favourites works primarily only for very tall people; wear very tall high heels so that you tower over everyone. If they cannot reach your lips, they can never kiss you. Problem solved; situation dominated. 

6. Get a gym membership

When interacting with members of potential romantic interest, always exercise first. You will be red in the face. You will not have enough breath to speak to them. You will smell like a donkey and also probably look like a donkey if you at all resemble me after a good “run”. You will also be hydrating so much (hopefully) that you will need to use the bathroom every five minutes and will be forced to cut conversation short. If at all compelled to encourage affection, planning to see that special someone right after hitting the gym is an excellent suggestion. 

7. Eye contact is your enemy

Whether or not you believe in souls, eyes are indeed a window to somewhere—more often than not a passageway to sentiment. If you are disgusted by feelings, never look someone in the eye because they will somehow empathically force you to understand them, especially if they have pretty eyes—you know, the kind that reflect so much light that they might as well be glowing. I have been there and it is terrifying. There is a reason why the hottest part of fire is blueish white. People with soft blue eyes also burn with the madness of hellfire. If you are going to fall for someone in general, I suggest people with brown eyes. People with blue eyes hear all of the time how pretty their blue eyes are and, honestly, it can make them arrogant and problematic (I say as a person with blue eyes but also cripplingly low self-esteem). Brown eyes do not get enough attention or appreciation, but they can get those things elsewhere because you are not going to be the one to fall into the beautiful black holes of their dark pupils. Avoiding eye contact will also help you seem antisocial. Extraversion is one of the most highly-coveted personality traits in the United States. Though you will not be in the minority, being antisocial does not help your case if that case is to encourage affection. 

8. Be emotionally mature and available

This one is especially encouraged for college-aged people. Have we learned nothing from Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights? People do not want love, they want an epic romance. Often, a side effect of pursuing an epic romance is coping with the aftermath that is bound to follow. For my dearest Heathcliffe, it was arranging a marriage between his child and his lover’s child to act as surrogates for his feelings then digging up his dead lover’s corpse to cuddle with her one more time before killing himself. This might not describe you, but it could if you continue down the path of obsessive love. The trick here is to be so mentally stable that you cannot attract anyone looking for a soothing, calm relationship. You will be so honest, non-toxic, and helpful that you will also be instantly friend-zoneable. Not only have you evaded the talons of love, you have also made a new friend. Good for you. Also, you are mentally stable and emotionally mature; yet another set of qualities that serve as their own reward. 

9. Watch Hallmark Movies

The abundance of lies told by the media, especially by the film industry, are astounding. Believe it or not, the odds of you getting a big city job but then spending Christmas back in your small hometown only to find out that the absolute stud you had a crush on in high school was tragically widowed last year and his friends are playing matchmaker and have set their sights on you but—oh what’s this?—he says he doesn’t remember you only to admit by running through the snow to your family’s Christmas party that it has been you all along… the odds of that are slim. Settle for nothing less. Besides, those films show the fall, but never the resurrection; in this case, the fall is supposedly a good thing, but the resurrection after is when you move into an apartment together only to complain that the closet is not big enough for the both of you and to discover that your love interest is a massive slob. Living vicariously through the unrealistic portrayals of love in Hallmark films is an excellent way to cope with a life without a significant other. You might cry; those are tears of joy that you are not living the same burdened life as your married friends. 

10. Wear a ring

Last and quite possibly least, wear a ring on your left ring finger. People looking for a hookup will not approach you; people looking for a relationship will not approach you; Gollum/Smeagol might approach you. Either way, I would consider all three of these scenarios a win. In all of the situations, you now have the power to control men (more or less). On top of this, you can pretend that you are married to yourself and finally mount that pinnacle of self-care that you have been striving to achieve for so long but have never had the time to accomplish because you were distracted by seeking romance. Marry yourself because you deserve it. Be married to your work because you are a girlboss. Wherever your loyalties lie, they should not depend on anyone else. Striving for independence and self-sustenance is one of the greatest adventures anyone in the world could disembark upon. The only acceptable love here is self-love and it can be found by wearing a shiny little gold thing around one of your fingers with the intention of deceiving others. How charming is that?

Blessed are you for reading all ten of these tips for maintaining a comfortable proximity from love. I wish all great pilgrims the best of luck in their pursuit of loneliness; it is known for keeping excellent company. It is my sacred duty, and my honour, to have the privilege of sharing the secrets of the universe with you. Thus far my methods have proven effective, but—as all great scientists know—a study where n=1 does not have a high degree of validity. This is, inevitably, a refined and restrained list, so if you have any further ideas as to how I might stay away from romance, I would happily meet with you in-person under the moonlight for dinner and a glass or two of wine.