the twist
dillon sheehan
BUZZFEED NEWS: FILES IN CONNECTION OF GENERAL SVEKMAR ASSASINATION LEAKED. IS REPUBLICAN NOMINEE, JANICE SANDERS, REALLY THIS DUMB?
By: Darla Kramer. September 22nd, 2008.
It should be abundantly clear that former Attorney General and Republican presidential nominee, Janice Sanders, is utterly incompetent. Throughout her presidential campaign, her record has become more and more apparent as to her inability to prosecute big business and lobbyists, while clamping down on everyone and anyone that so much as stands in a ten mile radius of marijuana. Her civil asset forfeiture programs have wrecked impoverished communities even more than what was thought to be possible.
However, nothing could possibly be worse than her actions in prosecuting the perpetrators of the assassination of General Grigori Svekmar in June of 2004. In a file dump Buzzfeed has received from a former employee of the Justice Department, we have learned that the former AG has reached levels of idiocy once thought to be impossible. I’m going to highlight the most damning of documents, but I’ll be linking the full collection at the bottom along with instructions for a drinking game to play as you read through them all.
Author’s note: The first document is a transcript of a fax exchange between FBI Deputy Director Derrick Maxwell and Special Agent Phil Fredericks, who was in charge of General Svekmar’s security detail on the day of his assassination. I will let this speak for itself:
FAX EXCHANGE BETWEEN FBI DEPUTY DIR. MAXWELL AND SPEC. AGENT FREDERICKS:
June 22nd, 2004, 3:37 PM
Dear Deputy Director Maxwell,
I never thought I would be having to write to you under such circumstances. However, it appears my team is out of options. As you know, earlier this afternoon, myself and four other Special Agents were assigned to escort General Grigori Svekmar of the Republic of Kardania to his speech at the United Nations. He is dead. I hope this letter finds you in good care and please let me know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Special Agent Phil Fredericks
June 22nd, 2004, 3:40 PM
What in the ever living fuck? Call me immediately.
June 22nd, 2004, 3:43 PM
We’re not entirely sure what happened. We took him to the Toys “R” Us in Times Square because of his insistence that he ride an indoor ferris wheel. One minute he was riding the ferris wheel in his military uniform, the next minute he was falling off the ferris wheel. We believe this could have been an assassination. There were sounds of a struggle from his ferris wheel carriage along with multiple voices shouting in Kardanian. Will update you on any leads.
June 22nd, 2004, 3:45 PM
The fax number you’re sending from is registered to a Staples. Are you at a fucking Staples?
June 22nd, 2004, 3:46 PM
Yes.
June 22nd, 2004, 3:48 PM
CALL. ME.
TRANSCRIPT OF PHONE CALL BETWEEN DEPUTY DIR. MAXWELL AND SPEC. AGENT FREDERICKS:
FREDERICKS: [To a Staples employee named Xander] Thank you for letting me use your phone.
MAXWELL: Hello? Fredericks?
FREDERICKS: Yes. It is I.
MAXWELL: I’m struggling to understand if this is a practical joke.
FREDERICKS: No, he is definitely dead.
MAXWELL: You took him to a ferris wheel?
FREDERICKS: Yes.
MAXWELL: W-why?
FREDERICKS: He demanded.
MAXWELL: You were under direct orders to escort him from LaGuardia to the United Nations, and I’m to understand you made a pit stop at a toy store?
FREDERICKS: Yes. Specifically, a ferris wheel within a toy store.
MAXWELL: I’m in shock.
FREDERICKS: We all are.
MAXWELL: Tell me exactly what happened.
FREDERICKS: I was pretty clear in my faxes. We took him to the ferris wheel. There was a scuffle. He fell. He died.
MAXWELL: You didn’t interfere with the scuffle?
FREDERICKS: I didn’t want to engage in a cultural dispute.
MAXWELL: You were briefed that the Boslovanian Liberation Army had made numerous death threats to General Svekmar, hence his need of an escort. He’s been waiting for five years to come out of hiding to address the United Nations about a peace deal, and you take him to a fucking toy store?
FREDERICKS: Yes.
MAXWELL: You didn’t think the BLA would attack him in public?
FREDERICKS: Oh, these weren’t BLA soldiers. They were dressed as tourists.
MAXWELL: Ever hear of a disguise?
FREDERICKS: An assassination at Toys “R” Us? How grotesque of an idea. Sir, there were children present. We didn’t think the BLA would murder a man in front of a crowd of youngesters.
MAXWELL: The BLA are out for blood. They have death warrants out on the entire Kardanian government. You honestly thought a shopping center would stop them?
FREDERICKS: Anyone with decency would have waited.
MAXWELL: Did you identify yourselves as federal agents?
FREDERICKS: Our suits were enough.
MAXWELL: Suits? Everyone and their mother in Manhattan wears a suit.
FREDERICKS: These were Bureau suits. Easily identifiable.
MAXWELL: You and your team are to report to the Manhattan office now!
[Fredericks is heard talking to Xander, the Staples employee]
FREDERICKS: Sir, the employee whose phone I’m using needs the line freed up. I’ll have to call you back.
MAXWELL: FREDERICKS, YOU BETTER--
[Line is disconnected.]
Author’s note: I will also let the next exchange speak for itself:
TRANSCRIPT OF SECOND PHONE CALL BETWEEN DEPUTY DIR. MAXWELL AND SPEC. AGENT FREDERICKS:
FREDERICKS: Hello? Hell-
[Sounds of traffic and passerbys cut off Spec. Agent Fredericks.]
MAXWELL: Fredericks? Where are you?
FREDERICKS: I’m [unintelligible]. Times Square is loud at rush hour. [Unintelligible]. Luckily, I found this payphone.
MAXWELL: You’re at a payphone?
FREDERICKS: This was the only payphone I could--No, no, I don’t need tickets to Wicked--I’ve already seen it--No thank you--It was quite good--No, I don’t need to see it again.
MAXWELL: Who are you talking to?
FREDERICKS: I’m seeing CATS on Friday with my wife--Have a good day. Deputy Director Maxwell, are you still there?
MAXWELL: I’m here, asshole. Are you using a FUCKING PAYPHONE in the middle of Times Square?
FREDERICKS: It’s quite difficult to hear you, sir. But yes, I am using one. People are selling Broadway tickets on the cheap down here. Want any?
MAXWELL: You get your ass to the Manhattan office right fucking now or I’ll hand you over to the Attorney General’s office for indictment.
FREDERICKS: Right away, sir.
[Line disconnects.]
Author’s note: The incompetence of the Bureau continues in person:
TRANSCRIPT OF IN PERSON MEETING BETWEEN DEPUTY DIR. MAXWELL AND SPEC. AGENT FREDERICKS:
MAXWELL: Where is his body?
FREDERICKS: Whose body?
MAXWELL: Who do you fucking think?
FREDERICKS: Oh, yes. We were not able to secure it.
MAXWELL: It’s a dead body.
FREDERICKS: There was quite the commotion, sir.
MAXWELL: You were with four other agents.
FREDERICKS: I don’t understand, sir.
MAXWELL: How is it that five agents cannot act effectively while under pressure?
FREDERICKS: Well, we were under pressure.
MAXWELL: If the BLA has his body, they’ll parade it through the streets of Kardania.
FREDERICKS: Most definitely.
MAXWELL: Your incompetence shakens me.
FREDERICKS: It shakens me as well, sir. In hindsight, I never should have led this assignment.
MAXWELL: The Kardanian government is beyond furious.
FREDERICKS: I would hope so, sir. He was quite an important man to them.
MAXWELL: And you let him die.
FREDERICKS: As I said before, he insisted on going on the ferris wheel. Kardanians are very persuasive when they’re angry. His own security detail seemed to happily agree to the idea.
MAXWELL: His security detail is missing. Our intel believes they were co-conspirators in the assassination.
FREDERICKS: They were far too nice to be in on it, sir.
MAXWELL: [To himself] The idiocy I’m witnessing.
FREDERICKS: The song in the store was “The Twist”.
MAXWELL: What?
FREDERICKS: When they threw him off the ferris wheel, Chubby Checker was playing.
MAXWELL: How is that relevant?
FREDERICKS: Svekmar liked Chubby Checker. He made us play a cassette he had.
MAXWELL: And?
FREDERICKS: Weird coincidence I’d say.
[Maxwell sighs. Interview recording is stopped after this point.]
Author’s note: Hope no one finds this journal entry by Fredericks:
FROM THE PERSONAL JOURNAL OF SPEC. AGENT FREDERICKS, JUNE 22nd, 2004:
So, I have to be honest, I let something pretty bad happen today. Like, really bad. I’m gonna be honest a second time, I haven’t been particularly truthful in my reports or when talking with Deputy Director Maxwell. Basically, we were threatened by the BLA into letting them take the General’s body. The situation is not good to say the least. I’ve lied to a superior, and I let the enemy get away. I’m definitely not getting promoted after this is all over. I think my team could have stopped the BLA if we had remembered to bring our service weapons. Yeah, big blunder on Ken’s part. He was riding my ass about minute details of the escort route to the UN that we forgot to finish cleaning our pistols. Yeah, not the smartest plan, but to be fair, the escort was going smoothly until the incident at the Toys “R” Us.
In all honesty, this is the General’s fault. Seriously, he wants to take a stop and ride a ferris wheel before addressing the United Nations? What a moron. It was an important speech, too. Really important. The Kardanians and the Varminians were going to make a historic peace deal with the Boslovanians. I’m not entirely positive on the geo-political implications of that peace deal, but it was certainly significant enough to be assassinated over.
I have to be totally clear on what I’m planning to do tomorrow. It might not be smart to write all of this down, but I don’t want to forget. My team needs to claim that our weapons were taken from us. Witnesses could say otherwise, but it was so chaotic in there that I don’t think they’d remember us. Plus, we didn’t exactly identify ourselves to anyone in the store. I’m in hot water, but if everyone on the team is in on a little cover up, we should be able to get out of this mess.
Author’s note: Oopsie. Guess they did.
EMAIL TO DEPUTY DIR. MAXWELL FROM SPEC. AGENT KENNETH STEELE REGARDING SPEC. AGENT FREDERICKS’ PERSONAL JOURNAL ENTRY:
Deputy Director Maxwell,
I found this document open on Fredericks’ Bureau desktop while he was in the can. Perhaps bringing this info to your attention would spare me from spending time in USP Florence? Look forward to discussing this further with you tomorrow at the office.
Sincerely,
Special Agent Steele
[Fredericks’ personal journal attached at the bottom of the email.]
Author’s note: Enter AG Sanders
TRANSCRIPT OF DEPOSITION OF SPEC. AGENT FREDERICKS BY UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL JANICE SANDERS, JUNE 23rd, 2004, 12:47 PM:
SANDERS: You recognize what I’m showing you?
FREDERICKS: My journal.
SANDERS: You wrote this on a Bureau computer?
FREDERICKS: I did.
SANDERS: You didn’t worry it would be found?
FREDERICKS: It was on a private Word Document.
SANDERS: Nothing is private on a Bureau computer.
FREDERICKS: It is without my password.
SANDERS: We have your password.
FREDERICKS: Prove it.
SANDERS: “PimpThisRide”
FREDERICKS: Shit.
SANDERS: You were planning on covering up and inhibiting a federal investigation?
FREDERICKS: How did you get access to my journal?
SANDERS: We detected it.
FREDERICKS: Sure.
SANDERS: I’m not lying to you.
FREDERICKS: I totally believe you.
SANDERS: You’re looking at a written confession you yourself wrote.
FREDERICKS: So I am.
SANDERS: I’m giving you two options. You plead guilty and spend the rest of your life in a supermax or I let your name slip when talking with the Kardanian government.
FREDERICKS: Oh my.
SANDERS: I’ll give you some time to think about it.
[Sanders at this point leaves the deposition room and Fredericks is left alone. From what can be determined, Fredericks spends the next ten minutes humming “The Twist” by Chubby Checker over and over again, and then laughs to himself. Sanders then returns to the room.]
SANDERS: Have you thought about my offer?
FREDERICKS: Oh, yes.
SANDERS: And?
FREDERICKS: I’ll take my chances with the Kardanians.
SANDERS: You’re serious?
FREDERICKS: I am.
SANDERS: They’ll hang you.
FREDERICKS: Like a prison is any better?
SANDERS: I hope you understand what you’re doing.
FREDERICKS: I do. I know you’re trying to make an example out of me for the Bureau to see. I’m not letting you.
[Deposition ends.]
Author’s note: The big boys duke it out:
EMAIL EXCHANGE BETWEEN DEPUTY DIR. MAXWELL AND ATTORNEY GENERAL SANDERS:
JUNE 23rd, 2004, 11:27 PM:
Dear AG Sanders,
It has come to my attention that Spec. Agent Fredericks has decided to turn himself over to the Kardanians. I’m in awe at his choice. Personally, I understand the desire to please the Kardanians after our botching, but I’d personally like to see that idiot locked away in the USA. I would like to bring to your attention a few peculiarities in our investigation. The members of our escort detail have not been recognized by any store employees or customers. I’d like to recommend keeping Fredericks in the country until our investigation has come to an end.
Sincerely,
Deputy Director Derrick Maxwell
JUNE 24th, 2004, 4:45 PM:
Derrick,
My apologies for not getting back to you sooner.
Being that the team were in plain clothes, it would seem to me that they were just another face in the crowd and would not be recognized by witnesses, but we need one or more people to take the fall. I expect that the other members of the team will be extradited at some point in the near future.
Under orders from the President, I had Fredericks flown to Kardania this morning. In doing so, we have begun to quickly ease tensions that will take years to lessen due to the incompetence of the Manhattan Bureau office. I ask that you no longer write to me directly going forward. You may address emails to my staff, which will then be related to me. I cannot spend valuable time negotiating with you about your agents.
All the best,
AG Janice Sanders.
JUNE 23rd, 2004, 5:36 PM:
Dear AG Sanders,
I’m confused by a detail in your previous email. The security detail for Svekmar was not in plain clothes, but in official Bureau issued suits and ties. I would hate for such a mishandling of details on your part to have wasted valuable time.
Sincerely,
Deputy Director Derrick Maxwell
JUNE 24th, 2004, 7:45 PM:
Fredericks and his entire team confirmed they were in plain clothes. Perhaps you need some better staff to brief you.
Author’s note: The top dogs duke it out:
TRANSCRIPT OF PHONE CALL BETWEEN DEPUTY DIR. MAXWELL AND ATTORNEY GENERAL SANDERS:
SANDERS: Who is calling at this hour?
MAXWELL: You fucking idiot.
SANDERS: Who the fuck do you think you are?
MAXWELL: Check the fucking news, you moron.
SANDERS: Maxwell? Are you drunk? It’s past one in the morning.
MAXWELL: Plain clothes. Plain. Fucking. Clothes.
SANDERS: Enough. I’m the Attorney General of the United States. You do not call me in the middle of the night. I’ll have your head come morning.
MAXWELL: Right under your nose. Improving foreign relations my ass. It was a coup.
SANDERS: What in God’s name are you talking about?
MAXWELL: The BLA. My agents. One in the same.
SANDERS: You’re not making sense.
MAXWELL: They killed Svekmar. My agents, and you handed the ring leader a free ride back to Kardania. The BLA overtook the capital building two hours ago.
SANDERS: I don’t understand.
MAXWELL: Fredericks, or should I say, Boslovanian arms dealer, Josef Reitman, played you like a fucking fiddle.
[Sanders has at this point turned on a television and sounds of a news report are heard in the background.]
SANDERS: Oh my God.
MAXWELL: God isn’t here right now. Just me.
SANDERS: I handed him right over.
MAXWELL: Them. You handed all five members of the team over. The pilot of the flight was Kenneth Steele, AKA Colonel Mate Hennigar. The other three agents served as flight attendants.
[Sanders drops the phone. After a minute of silence, Maxwell hangs up.]
Author’s note: That is sooooo bad. Let’s let Fredericks Reitman say his piece.
DESCRIPTION AND TRANSLATION OF JOSEF REITMAN’S SPEECH TO SOLDIERS OF THE BOSLOVANIAN LIBERATION ARMY AT THE NOW DESTROYED KARDANIAN CAPITAL:
My fellow comrades, it is with great pride that I stand before you today at the ruins of a tyrant. After an arduous journey through the American hell hole that is the Manhattan FBI office, myself and four others were able to entrench ourselves within the imperialist barnyard of the United States government. Having established contact with members of our army within the CIA, we were able to coax the moronic Svekmar into leaving his tiny bunker and come out into the world.
The fool! He demanded we take him to a ferris wheel. A ferris wheel. It is too bad the nation he trusted most with his safety would bring upon his downfall. Such a humiliating end to a war criminal of his reputation. If that were not enough [Reitman laughs], we were able to get an all expenses paid, first class plane ride back to our homeland! This all done in the name of so called ‘foreign relations’. We have not only embarrassed the United States, but revealed her utter incompetence in global affairs. ‘Leader of the Free World’ my ass! Boslovanian is free. Free from Kardanian tyranny and imperialist tyranny. Free to rule itself as it one did!
I must thank the United States, however, if only for her willingness to eagerly send back its ‘Most Wanted’ to maintain its fragile stature. Svekmar is gone, Kardania is gone, and soon shall the unearned gloating and pride of the United States be gone.
Boslovania shall rise up and retake what's our! Fortune. Valoer. Glory. I ask you to hold such values close to your heart as we begin the next great struggle. Fight on! Take up your arms and march to the Rising Dawn of Boslovania!
[Soldiers of the BLA begin to cheer, overtaking Reitman’s words. As the soldiers march away from the capital building and through the streets, Reitman begins to blast “The Twist” by Chubby Checker over a PA system. At this point, Reitman and his four co-conspirators climb atop a tank and parade down the street along with a caravan of tanks and trucks. The tape of the speech concludes.]
Author’s note: Yeah, that’s not a good look for the US of A, nor soon to be one time nominee Janice Sanders. Oh wait, we gotta hear from former National Security Advisor and Vice Presidential nominee Edwin H Marlboro:
MEMO FROM NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR EDWIN H. MARLBORO TO PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES KENDALL DARWIN, JULY 4th, 2004, 6:25 AM:
Mr. President,
While independence begins to be celebrated across the nation, the same cannot be said for the people of Varminia. At approximately 11:55 PM EST last night, the Boslovanian Liberation Army successfully completed its simultaneous attack on three major Varminian cities. In doing so, the BLA is poised to win the conflict with the surrounding nations for Varminia stands as the last major power in the region.
Approximately ten thousand civilians were killed in the attacks. Estimates are conservative at this time, and long term damage done to Varminia’s infrastructure will only be ascertained in the years to come.
Of most importance is that the Boslovanian Liberation Army has also captured Halliburton oil fields, various natural gas refineries, and cobalt mines. Josef Reitman has made it clear that he intends to nationalize these industries across Kardania, Varminia, and Boslovania. This is deeply disturbing to learn.
My recommendation is for us to take swift military action and prevent more nations from falling under the Boslovanian shroud. In doing so, we’d also resolve the blunder that occurred a few weeks back. I look forward to discussing possibilities of a full scale invasion with you in the coming days, but today is a day of rest for America.
Save me a couple of hotdogs at the White House BBQ, will you?
Sincerely,
Edwin H. Marlboro, NSA
Thus concludes our saga. The Sanders-Marlboro Campaign could not be reached for comment. and are most likely shitting bricks. In less than two months, Americans will be choosing the next President of the United States. These documents present us with a clear picture of the Republican ticket. First, a bumbling moron whose actions led to the deaths of what is now estimated at 600,000 innocent civilians across 4 years of decimation throughout more than 5 nations. Second, a hawkish lunatic who has collapsed infrastructure, imposed economic sanctions that have crippled any chances of significant redevelopment, and sent American troops have been sent off to give their lives over to the very war criminals his running mate freed. In my opinion: Not a good look. I hope the former Attorney General and the former National Security Advisor delivered to The Hague on Inauguration Day. Waves of innocent blood are on their hands and the fate of so many people lies in the decision of American voters. I hope this nation has the conscience to make the right decision.
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